you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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