Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
