Just cropdusted the office
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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