I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
