Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
