He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
