the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
