If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
