so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
