you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
