I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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