Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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