My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
