she woke up with a sticky ear
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He kissed a someone with a penis
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
