I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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