You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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