if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
