when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
