Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just invented taco cereal.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
