my mouth tastes like poor choices
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
