So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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