i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
