woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
