I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
