I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
