there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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