does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
