He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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