At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
