dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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