"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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