Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
