Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
