Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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