dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
