Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize