So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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