I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
