Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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