Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
