Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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