Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
