my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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