There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize