does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
