singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
