After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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