I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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