I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is wine microwaveable?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize