i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
