Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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