Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just pee around me
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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