Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
