I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
