I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
