Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
