splinters make it hard to masturbate
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
