After last night, I could never be a politician.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
