You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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